Category: Notes

Category: Notes

Never get time to think

Well, that’s a lie right out of the gate. I think! And I don’t need any special time to do it. My brain is chugging thoughts all day and night.

So what’s the problem?

I am not thinking on purpose about stuff that matters to me. For example, in the context of business, I am not taking time to think intentionally about how to approach the work.

I’m being vague.

Let’s be clear: I am frustrated because I am not thinking productively. If I were doing so, I would achieve the following results:

My work would be organized – projects neatly segregated and time allotted to them.

I would do higher-quality work for taking time to think it through ahead of time. Better blog articles and courses.

New limiting beliefs model called meta-beliefs

Not the best name for a self-improvement model – meta-beliefs? But it’s pretty cool.

The idea is that you discover a limiting belief, such as I can’t lose weight. Then you dig in, go deep, or whatever you call it. Find the meta-belief, which is the belief about the belief.

Here’s a transcript of a meta-beliefs discovery

Meta Beliefs

beliefs about beliefs
  •  I want to lose weight but I can’t.
    • Why can’t you?
      • It’s too hard.
        • Why is losing weight too hard?
          • Because I’m a loser! Ok? I’m a total loser?
            • Why are you a total loser?
              • Because I’m weak! I’m weak. I’m too weak to do anything. I can’t handle it. I can’t take it. I’m pathetic. I’m weak. Just weak, that’s all. I’m too weak to be any good at anything. I’m weak. I can’t ride my bike very fast. I can’t win races like Jon. Jon is so fast! And he’s strong. He can beat me up anytime he wants to, that’s how strong he is. But I’m weak. If I even try to be strong, I’ll die. He will kill me. He’s already tried. I got lucky two times. I’m not going to try to be lucky anymore, either.

So what?

The idea is to keep going for the meta-belief until you get to one that grabs you emotionally. The one that is painful! That’s it. Then, proceed to change that belief using whichever method you prefer.

Truthfirmations idea

Truthfirmations could be a new type of affirmation. The key to affirmations is to make a statement that you want to be true, such as:

I am full of compassionate power.

With truthfirmations, rather than state something that you wish was true, you affirm a truth that you’ve been avoiding. Truthfirmations reveal an inconvenient truth that you’ve been avoiding. What better thing to affirm?

I unconsciously allow pain from the past to affect my decisions in the present.

This affirmation simply states a fact. The fact, in this case, could be incredibly useful. It might also be painful. This pain, however, could be the key to freedom.

Why all this?

Because affirmations don’t work for many people. Often they fail the people who need them the most. This post shows why and suggests turning negative thoughts into questions: https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-positive-affirmations-dont-work/

This post offers an alternative from a therapist who noticed her clients didn’t always do well with positive affirmations: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bouncing-back/201405/why-affirmations-arent-always-effective-heres-solution

Third wave psychology – models like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are the new approach.

The big question

What could I realize that would be painfully liberating? Painfully liberating. This is the state of mind and body that breaks the emotional ice. That’s what these are! Truthfirmations are emotional ice breakers. Go ahead. Make yourself cry on purpose.

Make yourself cry on purpose. The key to emotional recovery?

Not just cry tears. The tears must come from a painfully liberating experience.

Criteria for Choosing a Joint Venture Partner

We all know that you cannot predict when people will show their true colors. So when you’re choosing a joint venture partner, how do you know whether or not this person is a good fit?

How do you know your JV partner is stable?

Appropriate? Honest? Genuinely motivated?

You can’t know for sure. Only time will tell. Interestingly, while time is the best judge of character, it never rules out the potential for things to go south.

This week we lost a JV partner because she spontaneously began acting bizarre. She is married to a man but made a pass at my wife after getting so drunk and disorderly that we’d have ended the relationship regardless.

We don’t care that much what our partners do in their own private worlds. But in the public arena during business? Nope. Drunken, disorderly and sexually inappropriate is a deal-breaker.

What are some good criteria for choosing a JV partner?

The usual list of honest and motivated and blah blah blah. They are super important in spite of the blah blah blah comment. But they’ve been done a thousand times. Here’s a good article on the classic characteristics of a good JV partner (as well as other good JV info).

But there’s more.

During the past two weeks – as a result of our epic JV partner relationship failure, I would say this.

Do NOT overlook ANY red flags.

Like any relationship, overlooking the red flags will kill you in the end. When the time comes; when conditions are just right, it will blow all blow up in your face.

How to Stop Being an Asshole by Changing your Perception

Our topic? How to stop being an asshole.

It may be dawning on you that you’re no Mother Theresa. And you don’t want to be, right? You would just like to stop being a total asshole. 

Congrats on your honesty, by the way.

It’s your negative views that make you an asshole. Or limiting beliefs. Let’s work through the issue together and come out the other side in a kinder, gentler frame of mind.

Describe the Adversity that Makes you Want to Know How to Stop Being an Asshole

I want to stop being an asshole. However, it’s hard. Being a jerk – looking down on people, yelling at them – seeing others as obstacles in my way or completing dismissing them as irrelevant. I don’t treat others as I want to be treated. I’m a jerk. 

Case in point: My step-son. I can barely tolerate being in the same room with him. I see him as some sort of degenerate sub creature that I’m not sure I can endure much longer. This is an exaggerated perception of the situation that adds up to nothing less than self-sabotage for me.

Yet, I honestly feel that’s true. I see him that way. This is asshole territory, is it not? How to stop being an asshole? IDK

Identify the Limiting Belief

What must be true in order for me to see my stepson in this light and treat him poorly? Let me brainstorm ideas about what I must believe, given my perspective and behavior. 

Why is it so hard for me to stop being an asshole? Do I not see it? No….I see it. I know when I’m being one. I must believe being an asshole is justified somehow. I may never stop being an asshole, but people deserve it. Do I believe people deserve to be treated poorly?

  • I don’t have the time or energy to care for others
  • People suck
  • If I stopped being an asshole, it would make zero difference as the world is full of assholes

No, no. What MUST be true in order for me to so consistently see my stepson as less than and act like a jerk toward him? It’s how he makes me feel…..which is defined by how I see him! How do I see him?

As a lost cause. But a lost cause that demands resources that I resentfully provide. This is it! Who wouldn’t resent feeling compelled to spend time and money (a lot of it) on a total lost cause? What a waste, right? 

What are the Consequences of the belief?

Believing my stepson is an expensive lost cause and needing to learn how to stop being an asshole are one and the same issue.

See him as a lost cause that pointlessly drains family resources creates RESENTMENT within me. Wow. I am creating the resentment because it begins with how I perceive the situation. If I see through my belief that he’s a lost cause and then need to pay for his college, that creates resentment. It began with how I was seeing him as a lost cause. 

The stressful feelings I do not like carrying around every single day are the direct result of viewing my stepson as a lost cause. 

Dispute the Belief

No, he’s not a lost cause. This kid is not an utter waste of life. He exists for the same reason anyone exists. The reason itself is irrelevant because we’re all on an equal footing regardless. He’s not a lost cause. I do not know what he is – what his purpose might be or what good he might do in the world. 

Seeing him as a lost cause is essentially claiming to know the purpose (or lack thereof) of anyone’s life, I am not even very sure of my own life purpose!

Energize – Take Action 

Whenever I feel resentful I will stop and recognize that I can learn how to stop being an asshole if I realize that how I am seeing him is the root cause of the issue. It’s not him. The cause is my perception of him, which he has less to do with than I imagine. 

Step-Parent >> Be Honest with Thyself

I’d like to approach the topic of dealing with my step-son from a certain perspective that heaps all the responsibility on me.

Responsibility for what? For my own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behavior. For me. Not him. He’s an adult who is responsible for his own life.

These 2 points are the bottom line:

1) My issues with him are the direct result of my own perspective – the way I see him. So, I’d like to look more closely at how I see him. I believe this is a good approach because I have some influence on how I see him. Mostly, I think I am suffering from seeing him through the lens of my own self-sabotaging beliefs.

What if we examined those? 

2) If I’m honest about my own beliefs and put them to a sort of reality test – would the distortions drop? Within myself, I exaggerate his issues and make them appear intolerable.

In fact, he’s a difficult kid (think: Aspergers). Everyone who knows him knows this. But – that doesn’t mean his difficult personality has to be my personal doom. I am dooming myself. 

Hmm… what do you think? 

I Must Need Gratitude Training – Help!

Do I need gratitude training or what? Because the bad news is….

I haven’t been practicing gratitude (at all) even though I promised myself I would. Why not? It’s creepy. Skip to the second half of this post to read it.

In the meantime, I’ve been reflecting on my situation in life sans gratitude training.

Here’s the bullet point version:

• My children have flown the coop

• I run a successful online business and work at home with my wife as my biz partner

• I feel my children’s absence daily.

• My wife and I are both willful people who like to get our own way and be “right”

• Everything in my life looks awesome, except I don’t feel awesome!

Thus the obvious need for gratitude training

On the gratitude thing – I think I have an “Achilles Eel” thing going on (it’s a book I read) — about self-sabotage. The idea is that we become so accustomed to a certain way of being and seek it out on autopilot.

Ok – fine. But if the way of being includes negativity we still seek it out and even prefer it over lighter moods that are “foreign” to us.

Red alert!

Wow – WordPress doesn’t allow me to color the above fonts red! Dang. Ok here we go:

And worse, if you Google gratitude training you get news about a sex cult! Not the kind of education I was thinking of when I began writing.